May 11th, 2009

Current Music: in my head Current Location: same place, not quite here Subject: mentally pacing Time: 03:02 am Current Mood: weird

It's been an interesting couple of weeks. Figuratively speaking, I feel like the world is spinning as I stand still. Oh, wait. It is. My social life has been disrupted, I constantly wish I was back at school, and the change that came with moving out of my parents house and in with my best friend from elementary school is just hitting me. It's been two weeks now since I've taken Reiki Level I, and I've made upwards of 20 jars of aromatherapeutic salves over the last week. I haven't updated Danny's Story in weeks. The thought of writing is turning me off. I think I'm experiencing one of those shifts in my life that I haven't felt for some time. I mutter to myself, pine for the future, pace around the house, stare at beautiful things, and question every aspect of my life. At the end of high school and the beginning of college, it was my everyday existence. Then, life itself swept me off my feet, and for the last few years I've just been going along for the ride. I actually worried when I stopped talking to myself all the time. Now, every silence is broken by my voice once again. I feel like something is waiting to give. Some invisible bubble is growing bigger and bigger, reaching a tension point, waiting to pop. Except, my bubble can't pop for another seven and a half months. I'm stuck in place, waiting for my work contract to end and school to begin. And something else, too. Some other change is waiting. Some other tension is building. I don't know what it is. I'm going to check out Temple Arts soon, and look into some classes -- tai chi, qi gong, yoga, pilates, bellydance, martial arts. Build up my core, get myself moving, maybe earn back some of the grace I had when I was taking dance classes. Time's up. Time for tonight's Reiki, then sleep.

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April 22nd, 2009

Current Music: I Am X - Kiss and Swallow Subject: perception (un)tainted Time: 01:50 pm Current Mood: good

I recently finished reading the essay "Reality is a Shared Hallucination" by Howard Bloom. According to the author, everything we perceive is colored by others' beliefs. "If the group brain's 'psyche' were a beach with shifting dunes and hollows, individual perception would be that beach's grains of sand...Individual perception untainted by others' influence does not exist." If our perception is tainted by others, I guess it stands to reason that we can taint our own perceptions, as well. Case in point... I was eating out with my dad. I was having a hot dog. He was having a sausage and a fountain drink. He likes to mix diet Coke with a splash of raspberry iced tea, for a little zing. I took a sip from his cup, expecting to taste his usual concoction. I furrowed my eyebrows, peered into the cup, and asked, "What is this?" My dad said, "Well, I made a mistake. I put lemonade into the Coke instead of iced tea." "Dad, this isn't Coke," I said. It was the lighter caramel shade of iced tea, had no bubbles, and had the thinner, sweeter, distinctly raspberry flavor of the restaurant's tea. "Yes it is," he said. "No, it's not," I insisted. It went back and forth like that for a minute or two. "This is iced tea with lemonade! There's no way it's Coke!" I told him, naming off all of the reasons. Finally, his expression broke into a look of incredulity, surprise, and realization. "You're right! What was I thinking?" "Dad, you thought it was Coke, so you tasted Coke." I was quite amused. Of course, my reenactment doesn't do the real conversation justice. Dad was very sure he'd been drinking Coke...until he realized he hadn't. When he refilled his cup with the genuine product, a smile broke out on his face. "Ahhhh," he sighed. "There we go."

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April 12th, 2009

Current Music: the A/C Current Location: Ft. Lauderdale, FL Subject: the media's bread and circus Time: 03:34 am Current Mood: cynical

I've never been one to watch or read the news. Probably, I always had my nose stuck too far into a book, or was too busy with oboe lessons, or studiously finishing homework, or on a long car ride up to Labrador. In any case, I still don't read or watch the news, and now it's more out of practicality. News is contrived, and full of bullshit. Why bother? During the last year, I was kept better informed of various celebrity scandals via patients and coworkers who kept abrest of the news than the war. Hell, I only just now learned that Congress never actually officially OKd the damned thing. People want sex, scandal, food, money, and movies. Our media feeds it to them, while steering clear of the real topics, like what atrocious bills are being passed through Congress. (Excuse my negativity.) Every time I sign into my webmail, a juicy headline tempts me: "Worst Movie Flops Ever" or "Happy Couples Share Their Secrets to Marital Bliss." Ugh, total brain junk food! Until recently, I fell for it almost every time. "Just this once," I'd say. "It's like eating a bite of a cookie. It won't hurt me." Then, I'd spend the next half hour surfing relationship tips, lists of the most calorie dense food items in American chain restaurants, and which careers pay the most and demand the least. By the time I was done, I'd have five minutes to skim my mail before running off to work...and my intelligence level kept a nice, steady flatline. Now, when I see those yummy-looking headlines, I march my cursor right on past. It's become a matter of principle. I am not going to allow the media to pander to my guilty pleasures. I want meat, not fluff. Offer me real news -- real news that is not whitewashed.

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Current Music: Radio Rivendell Current Location: Ft. Lauderdale, FL Subject: old furries and the church of work Time: 02:58 am Current Mood: thoughtful

I was riffling through old printed material tonight and searching out the old voices in the Furry and Otherkin community whose words and ideas once inspired me to be something a little deeper, a little different than the social norm. baxil is still around, and continues to write in his Tomorrowlands universe. Kaijima and Postvixen seem to have disappeared, in the sense that matters to me (although, apparently, they left big enough footprints to warrant their own wiki entries). They've taken their pretty words. I am relieved (and hope they don't mind) that I'd had the foresight to capture them on paper. To hell with Immediatism, which lauds temporary art. I want to read and reread. Among my heavy binders of essays and articles pulled off the Internet is one of my favorites, Quitting the Paint Factory. Mark Slouka put into words what I'd already felt and recognized by high school: that Americans busy themselves until they have they have no time to even sleep, let alone think -- and are proud of it. "Uniquely American," W called it. Sometimes, when my manager calls me to work extra hours and I decline, or if I have to call out because I'm too sick to shuffle across the room (much less haul old men into bed and race up and down the halls with my med cart), or if I ask for a long vacation, I feel guilty and wonder if I'm doing something wrong. Maybe I am, I think. My coworkers come to work sick (and get me sick while they're at it), ask to work on their days off, and -- well, they do take and value their vacation time. I will give them that. But then, you know, I look at them, and I look at me, and I look at my mom who works 72 hours a week, and at my dad who has quit at least four jobs because they exploited him and forced him to work extra hours with no pay (he was salaried), and at people in nice European countries who get -- what? 3 months of required vacation time? -- and I think...you know, I don't believe there is anything wrong with me.  Nothing wrong at all.

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October 4th, 2008

Current Music: rain Current Location: home Time: 03:05 am Current Mood: epiphany

It's funny that I never noticed this before, but...I'm afraid of writing story. My characters dawdle around, doing day-to-day things, while I detail their every little emotion in a painfully dramatic way. I hint at the action to come, but...I fall short. This complaint has come up for the novella I recently finished (Dad's editing it for me), and again in a review of my webnovel, Danny's Story. Looking back, I realize it's a common theme in most of my writing -- straight back into middle school. I think the habit of procrastinating with my plot started back when I first tried to start writing longer stories. I guess in order to make up for a lack of plot, I tried to "fill" my stories out by writing meaningless fluff. As my writing matured (well, I hope it has), I gave up the fluff by taking up the maxim, "Write only what is necessary for the story." Well -- I thought I gave it up, anyway. Apparently, I still write filler...by convincing myself that it is necessary for the story. So, now my goal is going to be to push myself to write action. Conflict drives a story. My knee-jerk response is to pronounce Danny's Story a failure, wrap up the project, and start on something new -- something that is brimming with conflict and adventure from the outset. But that would be a waste of effort (I've put so much into the project over the last couple of months, especially in advertising the darned thing), and a disservice to Danny, Jett, and the rest of the crew. What I need to do is switch gears with Danny's Story and dive into the action. I've set the scene, colored the character, and provided a little background. Now, the story can begin. As for my future writing, I now have a goal to keep in mind: focus on the action of the plot, not the interludes. Conflict, conflict, conflict. Keep the characters and the story moving -- and keep people reading. I still might end up making a better romance author, when all is said and done. I naturally focus on inner conflict and emotions, and the drama that surrounds relationships. Funny, 'cuz I'd never read a romance novel in my life. Meh.

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March 14th, 2008

Time: 12:33 pm Current Mood: restless

I've been restless lately. I haven't been able to sleep. A gnawing hunger keeps me awake. A vast amount of intellectual energy that was bound up in school has been released since I graduated and passed my licensing exam, and now I'm jonesing to do...something. Nursing is emotionally demanding -- and that's putting it lightly. However, despite what I'd thought, it is not really intellectually stimulating. Not the job I have, anyway. It is very routine work, highly peppered with lots of crisis management. Boring, but stressful. It's also not physically exhausting, but it is physically straining -- not enough sleep, not enough food, pushing myself into overdrive to finish all of my work in 8 hours when, meanwhile, my assignment of patients keeps being changed, confused patients are crawling and falling out of bed, family members are screaming, everyone wants help to the toilet, and other shifts leave unfinished work for me to finish. Welcome to the working world, right? Anyway, I am CRAVING to learn, to explore, to share ideas, to teach. I am craving participation in a society of creative, open-minded, intellectual individuals that hunger like I do. In short, I crave what I was getting at school. Funny, I wanted school to end so that I'd have time to pursue my personal interests. Now, I am jittery for intellectual, social, and spiritual pursuits, and -- because of work -- I find myself without enough time. Life is a big paradox, isn't it? IRONY. I've been writing. I'm up to 30,500 words on one project and inching along. I'm taking the hoodoo course. I finish each week's reading, but I've fallen weeks behind on the class discussion board because I just don't have the time. I am just now beginning to suspect that the discussion board may be more meaningful and fulfilling for me than reading the course material itself. I want to study some of the medical conditions, nursing skills, and drugs I work with every day, but at the end of the day, I've spent enough time nursing as it is, and would rather spend the time on writing, playing, or studying magic. Thus, my nursing is already beginning to stagnate. I am falling way behind on Clint's clips, which are nutritious fodder for my intellectual hunger. And, I am a member of several pagan forums, which are also quite stimulating...but I haven't looked at or posted on for a while now. Anyway. I have half an hour or so of free time left before work. I'm going to get a few more words written, and maybe read a few posts on-line. Man, my body is tired. Weekend tomorrow. Yay for the free time, but not looking forward to the insomnia. I am becoming so ambivalent about...everything.

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January 1st, 2008

Current Music: Hybrid - "Morning Sci-Fi" Current Location: Ft. Lauderdale, FL Time: 08:44 pm Current Mood: excited

Greetings, old Livejournal. It's been a busy year, and this year will be even busier still. Things I did in 2007: *Graduated college with a Bachelor's of Science in Nursing. Thus concludes 16 years of school. Whew! *Passed the NCLEX and received my license to practice as a Registered Nurse. The world trembles. *Began (and subsequently, ended) my first nursing job. I was working on a busy medical-surgical/oncology unit at a large county hospital. I had a phenomenal experience -- my coworkers were friendly and supportive, I put my education to practice, and I began to really own the identity of "nurse." However, the work was a little too fast-paced and overwhelming for me, as shy and cautiously slow as I am when practicing new things. At the end of my 10-week orientation, the nurse manager and I agreed I should earn experience in a slower environment before hitting the busy hospital floor on my own. *Completed National Novel Writing Month for the first time in five years. 30 days, 50,000 words, one Amazon warrior princess catgirl, and a lots and lots of random generators. The story was based in a campaign world I've been designing for the rules-lite RPG Risus. *Collected, designed, and privately self-published my own first two books. I did this through Lulu.com. They're so pretty! *I also began running my first tabletop role-playing game (a Risus adventure that continues where my NaNoWriMo novel left off), and learned how to survive on less than 7 hours of sleep a night. Go me. Goals for 2008: *Keep my new job. I'll be working the 3a-11p shift at a small rehabilitation hospital. Just waiting for a start date. *Exercise regularly. Walking, dancing, kayaking. *Take cat yronwode's Hoodoo course. I am very, very excited about this. I just began the first lesson today. Good stuff! *Complete my first novella for publication. It's a young adult fantasy that I plan to send to Flux when I'm done. *Complete my first novel for publication. The story is a paranormal/urban fantasy romance that I'll be sending to Harlequin's Sillhouette Nocturne line for consideration. Ironic, that my first novel will be a romance, when I've avoided the Romance genre like it's a disease for my entire life. But hey, I hear it's one of -- if not the -- easiest genre to break into, so I'm thinking practically. And hey, paranormal romance is all the rage right now... Considering that's the only sort of romance I'd be able to write anyway, why not jump onto the bandwagon while it's still runnin'? *Move out. *Complete National Novel Writing Month 2008. I'll be writing the sequel to my 2007 novel, the second installment in a planned trilogy. I also want to start working on a web novel. The story is something I've been working on for a few years now (since NaNoWriMo 2005). It's pagan, it's queer, and it's genre bending. In short, it's probably better suited to niche publication on the web. And anyway, it's my baby, and I cringe at the thought of an editor touching it. ^_~ Oh, yeah. And I want to start posting on Livejournal regularly again. So, "Hi!" and Happy New Year!

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July 23rd, 2007

Current Music: soundtrack for Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion Current Location: Ft. Lauderdale, FL, Earth Time: 09:20 pm Current Mood: awake

This thing is empty. For now. Changes to come.

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